Failure, or not.

How many different words can I use to express my current feelings. Feelings not of depression but rather failure.

I write about this so often, because it’s something I TRULY struggle with. Probably my biggest struggle actually. I want to be so much, but so very very often everything I want to be overwhelms me and shuts me down.

Over the past 7 months I have been wanting things, doing things, needing things, and they are all ridiculously overwhelming. Up until last month my most overwhelming things had been working 20ish hours a week, attending a couple very demanding classes, and trying to throw in my family and social life in there. Β I was pretty exhausted most of the times, and being stretched too thing. A month ago I was injured, which freed up a lot of time from not working all week. Now I have PT, and school work. But over the past month I chose not to do school work, not to clean, not to do things to benefit myself. I chose the wrong thing and I am fully aware of that. I look at a few people in my life and they just happen to be the people who are closest to in my life and I have to wonder how they view me, how they would describe me. Would they use words like failure, slacker, or lazy? These people only naming a few, above all my mom.

She is such an amazing mom. Β She is working about a million hours a week :P, keeping our house decent, and dealing with two incredibly moody and impossible teenage girls, one who is injured. I could never do all that she does, and on top of that she keeps a strong testimony and always points us to Christ when we need help. I love my mom, and I don’t want her to view me as a failure. Mom, I’m sorry that I haven’t done all that i should have, but i promise I’ll step up. I love you so much!!!

Next would have to be my wonderful inspiration, Charis πŸ™‚ She has gone through a lot recently including a HUGE move. She stays organized ( most of the time πŸ˜‰ and she motivates me to do my best. I love you Char, and thanks for sticking by me even when i am so incredibly far behind :/

finally would definitely have to be Matt:) He balances life well but most of all does incredibly well in school, and for that I am jealous, but thankful. He helps motivate me to do better.

So what, I think I’m going to be in the 11th grade forever;), i dont think I would call the past 7 months a failure. I met people, built relationships, built myself, made mistakes, and laughed a lot. I made a good bit of money and aced my college english class, so overall I’d say it was a success. I know my life hasn’t been all it should be, and for that I’m sorry. I know I can’t be perfect, but i’ll try my best.

 

On another note, I have been up since 5 and I went to bed after 1, so I’m EXHAUSTED so I’m going to crash now.<3

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